This is my version of one of those annoying chain emails I received once about romance. I emended it some, you know, tweaked it to make it that much freakin' better (as if chain emails can ever get better!).

It was called "What Most Guys Should Do." In the spirit of true original thought, I call this "What Most Guys Really Do." Typos left in on purpose, of course. Sorry for the all caps; just pretend a really angry midget is yelling this at you if it makes you feel better.

Enjoy.

~*~*~*~*~

Every girl dreams that one day she will find a boy that does these things for her. Even the smallest action can have THE BIGGEST impact in someone's life.

GIVE HER ONE OF YOUR T-SHIRTS TO SLEEP IN (PREFERABLY NOT THE ONE YOUR BOYFRIEND GAVE YOU THE NIGHT BEFORE).

LEAVE HER CUTE POST-IT NOTES ALL OVER HER HOUSE. (PREFERABLY IN GOAT'S BLOOD AND/OR URINE).

KISS HER IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS. SHE IS, AFTER ALL, YOUR MOM.

TRUST HER OVER EVERYONE ELSE, ESPECIALLY IF BITCH GOT YO' FIDDIES.

TELL HER SHE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL EVEN IF SHE DONT WANT TO HEAR IT. THEN LEARN WHAT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SINGULAR AND PLURAL IS. ALSO, LEARN WHAT AN APOSTROPHE IS.

LOOK HER IN THE EYE WHEN YOU TALK TO HER. THAT WAY SHE CAN'T SEE THE THONG YOU'RE STILL TRYING TO STUFF DOWN IN THE COUCH CUSHION.

LET HER MESS WITH YOUR HAIR. DON'T WORRY; SHE'LL PUT IT BACK IN THE BOX WHEN SHE'S DONE.

MESS WITH HER HAIR. SHAVE IT WHILE SHE'S ASLEEP.

JUST WALK AROUND WITH HER. SHE CAN'T LEAVE THE GROUNDS ANYWAY.

FORGIVE HER FOR HER MISTAKES. IT'S NOT HER FAULT LIGHTER FLUID IS SO CHEAP AND ABUNDANT.

LOOK AT HER LIKES SHE'S THE ONLY GIRL YOU SEE. ALSO, LOOK AT HER LIKE SHE'S THE ONLY HUMAN YOU SEE. MAKE THAT THE ONLY LIVING HUMAN.

TICKLE HER EVEN WHEN SHE SAYS STOP. (Woah, what? Okay, that's just fucking creepy.)

HOLD HER HAND EVEN WHEN YOU ARE AROUND YOUR FRIENDS. IF YOU CAN'T, YOU'RE A PUSSY.

WHEN SHE STARTS SWEARING AT YOU TELL HER YOU LOVE HER. REMIND HER IT WASN'T YOUR IDEA TO IMPREGNATE HER SISTER.

LET HER FALL ASLEEP IN YOUR ARMS…THE CRATE IS TOO SMALL.

GET HER MAD, THEN KISS HER. YOU SICK, SICK BASTARD.

TEASE HER AND LET HER TEASE YOU BACK. THEN FLICK HER IN THE CENTER OF HER FOREHEAD ON A PRESSURE POINT THAT CAUSES HER TO ENTER INTO A DEEP SLEEP FOR EIGHTEEN MONTHS. WHEN SHE WAKES UP, TELL HER THAT'S WHAT THE INSTITUTION WAS LIKE.

STAY UP WITH HER ALL NIGHT WHEN SHE’S SICK. TELL HER IT MAKES YOU CLOSER. WHEN SHE AGREES, TELL HER YOU'LL BE PUTTING PINE SOL IN HER SOUP MORE OFTEN.

WATCH HER FAVORITE MOVIE WITH HER. BUT FIRST, DUCT TAPE YOUR EYELIDS OPEN...YOU KNOW, TO PROVE YOUR POINT.

KISS HER FOREHEAD. WHEN SHE'S POOPING.

TELL HER YOU WANT TO GIVE HER THE WORLD. IF SHE BUYS IT, SHE'S AN IDIOT. I MEAN, YOU DON’T OWN THE WORLD, STUPID.

WRITE HER LETTERS. FROM PRISON.

LET HER WEAR YOUR CLOTHES. THEN YOU WEAR HERS. THEN DON’T GIVE THEM BACK.
EVER.

WHEN SHE'S SAD, HANG OUT WITH HER. MAKE ARMPIT FARTING NOISES UNTIL SHE'S NOT SAD ANYMORE. THEN LEAVE WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE.

LET HER KNOW SHE'S IMPORTANT. TO HERSELF.

LET HER TAKE ALL THE PHOTOS OF YOU SHE WANTS. THEN HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY TO RECONSTRUCT YOUR ENTIRE FACE AND BODY. THEN COME BACK AND LAUGH, LAUGH AT HER FOR POSSESSING SO MANY PHOTOS OF A MAN WHO DOESN'T TECHNICALLY EXIST.

KISS HER IN THE RAIN. KISS EVERYONE ELSE THERE, TOO.

AND WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH HER, TELL HER. THEN SAY, "NOT!" THEN LAUGH FOR AN UNCOMFORTABLY LONG TIME.

AND WHEN YOU DO TELL HER YOU LOVE HER, LOVE HER LIKE YOU NEVER LOVED ANYONE ELSE BEFORE. TELL HER IT'S BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS JAILBAIT.

Guys Repost: "I'd Do This For My Girl"
Girls Repost: "What Most Guys Should Do"

If you don't repost this in 4 minutes
You will lose the one you love. Probably to some freak face-eating accident involving rabid koalas.

If you do repost in 4 minutes then the one you love will:
- Call you
- Kiss you
- Love you back Forever

Also

- Get a restraining order
- Have a panic attack while driving
- Hide in the back of the closet drooling on him/herself for three straight days

In addition: